Right now, I’m on weather-overload after watching endless updates on the massive storm that hit the Northeast. During the night, as the wind howled, I looked outside to see powerful swirls of snow sweeping across the front lawn. There was a strange sense of calm as the world outside shivered under an icy blanket of white. Times like these find me doing a lot of thinking. And remembering.
Last year saw an end to special things in my life. Some I understand while other situations make no sense. Loss, on any level, never does. And, it’s not about me, as I’m often reminded For the most part, I’m an outsider to so much of what I’m unable to control. Still, there are many things that I wish could be changed. Facing one’s mortality creates a desire to bring an element of peace and structure to those we love. The need to leave something positive behind. Selfish, I know. For me, it’s like not leaving the house until the beds are made, dishes done and door securely locked. Call it my need to tie up all the loose ends in my life.
Early this morning, I sat as the darkness of night surrendered to a new day. Smiles peeked from the shadows and I recalled certain laughter that once echoed through my home. For a brief time, there had been a sense of completeness with friends you could count on and a family that was growing.
People change and move on, often, for good reasons. Other relationships end on an opposite note and I find myself spending countless hours trying to understand the dynamics of why it happened. All I can come up with is that we give up too easily sometimes. Or, maybe, some things just aren’t worth the fight.
At this point in my life, yes, I’m selfish. I wanted so much more. More than just smiles..in the shadows.
