Where I’m From

 

I am from travels across long and winding roads.  From musty clothes and a tattered suitcase.

 

     From the lonely U.S. Navy sailor on shore leave and the USO singer looking to escape, I am the aftermath.

 

I am from Huguenot, number 327.  Long dark halls where fear hid behind each door. 

 

I am from constant disagreements and hurt from Strollo, artistic talents from Havens and depression…from Smith.

 

I am the sarcastic one of Lloyd Chester and ever-critical like Mary Patricia but not as punishing as Mary Agnes.  I have Marjorie’s fleeting elegance… but not her voice.  I have Lee’s fingers guiding mine as I write …but not the music from his soul.

 

I am from kneeling in Catholic church until my knees were numb and my back ached from staying rigid.   From pain that was better than any punishment from the nuns who patrolled the aisle.

 

I’m from the poor shadows of decaying New Rochelle and the wealth of golden San Francisco.  Beef Stew and Pâté de Foie Gras.

                                                                                        

 

I am from Lilacs, briefly bursting with soft color and fragrance.   From sand that washes into the ocean with every storm. 

 

I’m from hindsight…and wishing, always wishing.

 

I am from dreams of different beginnings; from gathering moments into boxes of forgotten memories labeled… Indifference,  Anger and Why?    

 

Mostly, I am an outsider, safely standing on the edges of my life, wondering.

 

 

Mama’s Losin’ It
 

From Mama Kat’s Writing Prompts For 12.18….Complete the “Where I’m From” poem. 

 

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Some reasons to be missed…


I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
‘Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I’m done here?

 

From the moment I first heard it, this song, from the movie “Twilight”, captured my soul.  Haunting words and music that run through my mind as I rush through these golden years frantically trying to put my little world in order.

I don’t know if it’s just me, at this stage of my life, wondering about what I’ll leave behind.  Not material things, mind you, but the quality of memories in the minds of those closest to me, the people I’ve loved in my lifetime.

So much of what we speak about, on an almost daily basis, involves time; never having enough of it and painfully watching it speed past us with each passing year.

I worry about the mistakes I’ve made which might overshadow any of the positive things I’ve accomplished.  Let’s face it, when someone dies, everyone gathers to celebrate that departed life, in some fashion.  And then, time passes, softening the sorrow and sentimental imagery.  Painful thoughts, like sharp pricks of a pin, bring reminders of unhappy times, causing people to deliberately not think about that name engraved on a slab of marble.  That name, which once represented a loving human being, all too often, ends up being forgotten in a crowded field of hallowed ground.

We clean out our closets and attics, ridding ourselves of needless accumulations.  As our mortality stares back at us in a mirror, we rush to mend broken family fences or renew old friendships, keeping a wary eye on that mystical hourglass of time.  Why don’t we have this fear when we’re young enough to change things and mold our lives in a more positive direction?  This so-called wisdom we achieve in later life could be put to so much better use when there is an expanse of time still to be enjoyed…and fulfilled.

I want to be remembered, not with tears but with smiles.  Spare me any resentment, please don’t allow my memory to harbor thoughts of anger or emptiness; any of this would mean that my time on earth was wasted.

For now, I’m working very hard on some reasons to be missed.

 

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest

 

Mama’s Losin’ It

From Mama Kat’s Losin’ ItWriting Prompts for 12/11/14
Take a line from a song you love and turn it into the title of your next blog post. Let the content follow.

 

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Little thanks…

       Who does not thank for little will not thank for much. ~Estonian Proverb

 

This is the first year since I’ve been married that I’m not in panic mode on Thanksgiving Eve.  No, it’s not because I’m perfectly organized with all the holiday prep, ready to leap from the starting gate tomorrow morning for a day of cooking.  We’re invited to join extended family for dinner and my house is hauntingly quiet.  A huge turkey won’t be stuffed with apples and fresh herbs before roasting for hours tomorrow, pies aren’t bubbling away in the oven, the wonderful smell of sage isn’t lingering in the air and the dining room table isn’t dressed in its usual festive tablescape. 

 

I’m not complaining, not at all.  Actually, I am grateful, in many little ways.  Taking a step back from all the turkey day work is giving me the opportunity to sit and think about things.  Not having to focus on making everything perfect is giving me a much needed pause, time to remember what Thanksgiving is about and…what I’m truly thankful for this year.

Months ago, we lost a cousin, a beloved member of our family but her spirit often presents itself in many different ways.   Fond memories of her frequently bring smiles and laughter when we recall happy times in years past.  We are all thankful she was such a part of our lives. 

Four of them; one stunningly beautiful girl and three incredibly handsome boys.  From the moment they were born, I gave thanks for the privilege of being their grandmother.  I rejoice in their achievements, obsess over little difficulties and make every exhaustive effort to spoil them rotten because…I can!  (I would be remiss if I wasn’t thankful to my daughters and their spouses for making my grandchildren possible.  Also, much appreciation to my patient husband for his part in the creation of the above two daughters…and a son.   I’ll stop here as this sounds like a drawn-out award acceptance speech.  Just sayin’)

Last, but not least…Reconnecting!   That word, in itself, just sings out with thanks!  This year, I had the pleasure of finding family in California and a cousin I didn’t know existed who lives in Washington.  We’ve been busy sharing old photographs, family history and learning so much about each other.   Then, when I didn’t think it could get any better, a 50th high school reunion graced me with the renewal of many friendships and the start of brand new ones.  What’s that, you say…everything old becomes new again?  Definitely.  Nothing compares with the chance for new beginnings!

Next year at this time I’ll hopefully be in the throes of pre-Thanksgiving madness once again and if some writing prompt surfaces along these same lines, I probably won’t have the time to sit and share my thoughts.  For now, it was nice to give little thanks for so very much.

 

 

 

Mama’s Losin’ It

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