The Window…

 

Create around one at least a small circle where matters are arranged as one wants them to be…Anna Freud

 

There is so much beyond what I can see

Sitting by this window

Life, twisting, turning. coming full circle

Returning to an empty chair

 

All that I’ve dreamed

Images slowly fading

Reflections of regret

Stare back through clouded glass

 

Memories, hidden in closets

Photographs of, now silent, smiles

Rest neatly, on bureaus and walls

Reminders of pain and joy

 

All that I’ve been

All I still hope to be

Lingers in an empty chair

Sitting by this window

This has been my response to a Flicker of Inspiration Prompt #9: House from The Lightning and the Lightning Bug

                                          

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Dear Me, not yet to be….

                                                     

 

September 7, 1961

 

 

Hey there,

Wow, you’re finally sixteen, a big day in a girl’s life.  Happy Birthday! 

I knew that you would open up that favorite book,  A Girl Can Dream, once again and find this letter that I left for you.  Reading has always been your escape, a doorway that takes you away from the hurt and into a world where you become someone else in a happier story.

I’m sorry that no one made a big deal of this special day and you’re feeling sad.  This is something you should have gotten used to as you’ve grown.  Parties have never been something of importance to your parents and, right now, you’re sitting there on the bed, hoping for a surprise of some sort before the day is over.  It won’t happen, just as with all the birthdays before this one.  You’ll wake up tomorrow morning promising yourself that, someday, things will be different.  Trust me,  any changes in life begin with the decisions you make but, you already know that by now.

For a teenager, you are strong in so many ways, having dealt with things that no young person should have to endure.  Some day, way in the future, you might be able to help others who went through all you have but, for now, it’s so difficult to share that pain with anyone, not even your very best friend, Helene`.

The road ahead won’t be easy and you will make mistakes; we all do.  The important thing is what we learn from these occasional wrong steps and how we manage to become more productive adults in the process.  Remember, no one is perfect!

Right now, you’re experiencing that dizzy feeling of a first big romance and  smile whenever you think…of him.   In time, this flicker of what you think is love will turn to sleepless nights and tears in your pillow, ending when another girl steals him away.  Trust me, that empty feeling in your stomach that makes you ache all over will pass; it will just seem like it’s taking forever.  One day, you’ll look back and think how silly you were in feeling so devastated over that high school romance and feel happy that you didn’t end up with him  You will be happier still that “the other woman” got what she deserved. 

Those dreams you have of  someday leaving home to become a Stewardess, well, they will remain wishful thinking.  And, any hope of college will be quashed by your father who feels, unless you plan on being either a teacher, or nurse, there’s no way you’ll go to school just to earn a “Bachelor of Nothing” degree.     It will be the world of Business for you, so grin and bear it even when you find yourself sitting behind some desk feeling all cooped-up and wanting to do so much more with your life; someday, you will.

Some heartbreak will never fully disappear; you’ll learn that when you reach your twenties and make a choice that will leave a permanent hole in your heart.  Part of you will always be missing but remember that you made the best decision; not everyone could have been as brave.

The endless turmoil at home will end in a few years when your parents finally divorce but as one door closes, another will open and bring its share of conflict.  That too, will pass but not your mother’s dependency on you for years to come.  I promise you that you will get through that, as well.

Marriage?  It will come, along with its ups and downs;  so will children, a home of your own and, someday, grandchildren!  Yes, you, a Gramma and, you will be a very cool one, at that.  Trust me!

Keep writing… even though your mother always finds the notebooks that you keep as journals and throws them away; her belittling of your writing just makes you eager to do it more. She can’t discard your thoughts and memories, no matter how hard she tries.  

I know, you’re sitting here, reading this and wondering how I know so much about you, wanting to believe the hopeful things I’m sharing yet fearful of what is still unknown.   That fear can be paralyzing but you cannot allow it to imprison your spirit and sense of adventure as you explore what this world has to offer in years to come.

Learn to trust; not everyone in your future will be like the hurtful shadows of people in your past.  Learn to love those closest to you and enjoy the beauty of life as it was meant to be.

At this moment, all you want to do is grow up as fast as you can but please, hold on to these precious years of youth for they pass by almost with the blink of an eye.  We’re given a one-shot chance at life without any option to go back and do it again.  Suddenly, one day, there are more years behind us than on the horizon and we’re amazed at how quickly that time has gone.

Remember…hold onto sixteen…as long as you can!

Love,

Patty

 

p.s…..Don’t marry a man who can’t dance!

 

Sharing an older post for my very first link-up with yeah write!

 

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Leave out all the rest

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
‘Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I’m done here?
So if you’re asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest

From the moment I first heard it in the movie theater, this song, “Leave Out All The Rest” from “Twilight”, captured my soul.  Haunting words and music that run through my mind as I rush through these golden years frantically trying to put my little world in order.

I don’t know if it’s just me, at this stage of my life, wondering about what I’ll leave behind.  Not material things, mind you, but the quality of memories in the minds of those closest to me, the people I’ve loved in my lifetime.

So much of what we speak about, on an almost daily basis, involves time.  It seems we never have enough of it and painfully watch as it speeds past us with each passing year.

I worry about the mistakes I’ve made which might overshadow any of the positive things I’ve accomplished.  Let’s face it, when someone dies, everyone gathers to celebrate that departed life, in some fashion.  And then, time passes, softening the sorrow and sentimental imagery.  Painful thoughts, like sharp pricks of a pin, bring reminders of unhappy times, causing people to deliberately not think about that name engraved on a slab of marble.  That name, which once represented a loving human being, all too often, ends up being forgotten in a crowded field of hallowed ground.

We clean out our closets and attics, ridding ourselves of needless accumulations.  As our mortality stares back at us in some mirror, we rush to mend broken family fences or renew old friendships, keeping a wary eye on that mystical hourglass of time.  Why don’t we have this fear when we’re young enough to change things and mold our lives in a more positive direction?  This so-called wisdom we achieve in later life could be put to so much better use when there is an expanse of time still to be enjoyed…and fulfilled.

I want to be remembered, not with tears but with smiles.  Spare me any resentment and not allow my memory to harbor thoughts of anger or emptiness.  Any of this would mean that my time on earth was wasted.

For now, I’m working very hard on reasons to be missed.

 

From The Writer’s Workshop…

An anthem, typically, is a song of praise, or gladness but can also reflect a point-of-view.   This song did just that when I first wrote this post a while back.  Still does.   A reflection of my life and feelings.  Enough said.

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