I can’t seem to win for losing and this repetitive thought has been jammed in my head for some time now. Honestly, it always has been part of my psyche but hit home with the start of the manufactured pandemic a few years ago when the employment structure for countless people, myself included, was significantly impacted.

As time has moved along since the onset of the virus, I’ve dealt with significant changes in my immediate workplace and it’s definitely not for the lack of experience or any educational shortcomings. It has turned into an almost “no win” situation and I despise losing, like most people I’m guessing. Recently, I decided to sit down and summarize a few thoughts as I prepare to attempt a forward move, job-wise.

For anyone, like myself, growing up in a difficult home, feeling like a loser was ingrained in my mentality, that feeling of never being quite good enough. How many of us would often (and still) do anything to avoid losing or failing and with that, inevitable bad choices were made along the way. Where I am concerned, those questionable choices involved employment and still do.

Let’s face it, many years ago, the safe and recommended job path for women involved clerical or secretarial work if one didn’t hold a degree in education, nursing or some occupational training. Venturing into the office environment was indeed safe and without any underlying pressure to always be “good enough”; you typed, filed, stayed relatively organized and punched that clock at the end of each day. There was always the hope of stepping up the next rung of some corporate ladder but that damn fear of losing, of failing was a stumbling block. There was the pressure of not living up to other people’s expectations as well as our own.

We are our own worst enemies, isn’t that true? Staying fearful and worried about not being good enough absolutely robs us of any real opportunity to try, take that risk, attempt something new and possibly rewarding. Personally, I stuck with the predictable and, these many years later, remain in the same safe and very stagnant void of never really moving forward. How many of us are stifled by those more focused on their own agenda while never hesitating to use our capabilities to sometimes exhaustive measures because they pay out a salary?

Here, at this moment, I’ve really been thinking about the idea, or the curse, of “losing” and how I can change my narrow perspective about it while there is hopefully still time. Should I decide to make some drastic career change, I will again start as a beginner somewhere and that will necessitate taking the time to prove I’m good at something more than what I currently do. Even a genius cannot rely on their singular particular talent or gift, hard work is always involved just as it is for the rest of us.

Once again, I’ll likely learn from losing if I venture into unfamiliar employment territory knowing there’s a higher chance of losing than winning. There will always be someone else who is better, stronger, been in the game longer and the only chance will be for me to keep moving and learning. There is that “curve” which most of us find ourselves in the middle of as we observe people who are better than we are and, or course, there will always be people who are worse than we are. What’s important is to stay humble, respect the fact that none of us are special because we have an edge over the next person, stop feeling like you’re a loser who stands on the low end of the achievement ladder. At least 99% of us out here are all the same, still in the process of learning (even when most think they know everything) and the remaining 1% are those who inevitably give up the farm and quit. It’s definitely become a hard knock life.

At this point, I”m personally trying to hold onto whatever faith I have, continue to do what I do and hope that the right door will open. I don’t really need to work but I enjoy being part of some operational structure, where I can contribute, share creativity, and keep my mind in motion. My focus at present is to remember one of life’s “lessons” where we learn that we often lose more than we win and that’s okay, it happens to all of us. Losing does help us to learn where we need to improve and then we need to move the hell on! I need to stop being my own true enemy, enjoy whatever the process is, shove all the fears aside, and enjoy the game even if I honestly feel that I can’t seem to win for losing.

From the Writer’s Workshop: Write a short story that begins and ends with the sentence “I can’t seem to win for losing.”