My candle burns at both ends; it will not last the night; but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends – it gives a lovely light! Edna St. Vincent Millay
I think we’ve all stared out that same window of thought, wondering how differently our lives might have turned out IF…we were good, really good, at something in particular. It kind of boils down to that “hindsight being 20/20” thing. If we feel stuck, almost weighed-down in a situation, we mentally re-trace the paths our lives have taken and visualize ourselves on some other stage of current reality.
Most of us have learned to adapt, make necessary changes, too often doing nothing more than coasting through each day. We feel we can do most things efficiently but there’s that fine line between the mundane, often repetitious, dynamics involved.
Where I’m concerned, I burn that proverbial candle at both ends, occasionally starting in the middle which, if that makes sense which, to you, probably sounds like some kind of manic behavior. Whatever. I’m driven by constantly attempting to do my best, standing on some shaky platform while furiously digging in my heels. The sad part is, there’s little satisfaction of feeling that a job has been well done and the parade of “Ifs'” start rolling through my mind.
Those wishes about doing greater things? We all have them, of that, there’s little denial. Many…are job-related. Had we followed a different course of study, the chance of employment in a different and better field might find us in a happier zone of existence. Yes, we’re good at what we do but…we watch people in other professions with a fair amount of envy and think how well we might have done had we taken that chance and explored more options.
Certainly, I could have easily shared wishes about being a physician, politician, sports figure and more, but, I grew up in a time where women were pretty much herded into some secretarial pool or worked as bank tellers, clerical workers, sales clerks and, of course, teachers. Most threw on an apron and became housewives and mothers. Our education, for the most part, was geared towards each one of these professions and dreams of anything more were, at best, private, often emotional, experiences.
I’ll admit to doing a lot of self-examination while writing this piece; what if…I had become anything but what has taken me to where I am now? Does wishing I had the ability to handle just what I do on a daily basis, more efficiently, impact the quality of the work I’m involved in? When others tell me that I’ve “missed the boat” after a project is completed really mean I’ve wasted the chances I’ve been given?
Perhaps, no to all. However, that big “yes” continues to haunt me as the years pass quickly and opportunities wane. My dreams and wishes that once were…leave a fading light as the candle slowly burns.
From Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop...Write about something you wish you were good at.
