Attempting to politely tell someone they’re wrong can immediately make the other person defensive. For a moment, think that this might have been your personal reaction when someone confronted you as they framed their own perspective and attempted to make their point, armed with a dedicated approach and much evidence.
At some point in time, we’ve all bitten our lip in a situation of debate and replied with “I see where you’re coming from, but…” or “This is how I understood it, could you clarify?” with the hope that some effective conversation would continue and any correction involved could be stated without offending someone. Yes, we all differ and sometimes, getting our perspective out there is more productive than insisting that the other person is missing out on some universal truth.
How then? We move on to explain our understanding, open other possibilities and then cite our experience, all using less harsh overtones as we attempt to correct a given point. Present facts, data or scenarios which support our point of view, suggest an effort to clarify the situation or open it up to further exploration. Suggest revisiting the subject and look at any information together; in the process, possibly discover that we’re on the same page with the other person.
As difficult as it might be, ditch the snarky comments, lose the condescending tone, that only creates a more defensive response. Of course, be firm, never aggressive in stating your point and do so clearly and confidently.
Most important, “Pick your battles”, a good piece of advice. We all have relationships or other human interactions which have an abundance of topics where there are differing opinions, preferences, expectations or beliefs and we need to be selective in regard to deciding the ones worth fighting over. Know when it’s important enough to keep pursuing or when it’s best to just let it go. “Picking your battles” has to do with the idea that it’s neither reasonable nor productive to be willing to argue over every differing point of view that shows up in any relationship or encounter.
We will hardly even agree on everything and in most situations, this is neither necessary or even possible. The point is to recognize that each conversation we have begins before any words are spoken; it begins with the intention we carry into both the dialogue and language we employ in our attempt to get a particular point across. We choose whether or not and how to take a stand as opposed to choosing a battle. That creates a greater likelihood that what follows will be a respectful dialogue rather than an antagonistic struggle.
When we appreciate the degree to which all of our relationships are made better by breaking the habit of responding to differences with defensive and offensive patterns, we’ve already taken the most important step in the process of becoming liberated from our automatic protective reactions.
Easier said than done, you say? Absolutely no argument there. But few things that are worth fighting or taking a stand for, are easy. We’re only human, prone to making mistakes, striving to be right, and always looking for an opportunity to tell someone that they’re wrong.
From the Writer’s Workshop: Write a post entitled “That’s Where You’re Wrong.”
Friends, foes; the pretense.
Both circumstances and individual needs is a matter of personal preference where having either a large group of friends or a few, very close, friends are concerned. The diversity of a large social circle exposes us to different ideas, cultures and ways of thinking which benefit our individual creativity and problem-solving skills. On the other hand, having just a few close friends offers us deeper emotional support and connection as close friends provide a strong sense of belonging, purpose and help us cope with difficult times and feelings of loneliness. Of course, there are two schools of thought here, the right balance; either having a few high-quality friendships can be more important for well-being than having a large network in life. The ideal number and type will vary for each of us. Somewhere, in the middle, lies the grey area surrounding all personal interactions.
Strong relationships take time and effort to nurture and maintain and there’s an “11-3-6” rule in friendship which suggests that it takes 11 encounters, each lasting 3 hours over a period of 6 months to turn any acquaintance into a true friend. This idea is based on the concept that building a strong friendship requires consistent time and interaction. Ideally, we all strive to focus on cultivating a manageable number of positive and supportive friendships, either with just a few close friends or a larger group who provides us with meaningful connections. The most important aspect of any friendship is finding those relationships that provide us with connection, support and positive feelings.
Feelings, the operative word here. Actually, gut feelings which play a tremendous role where relationships and friendships are concerned; while a valuable tool for decision making, it’s not always reliable. These feelings, our intuitive sense, can be a valuable tool for both decision-making and navigating friendships, helping us to identify red flags or potential issues. Of course, trusting our initial instincts is a protective mechanism when there’s a sense of uneasiness or honesty of another person.
Intuition steps in if any new or existing friendship consistently makes you feel anxious or uncomfortable and it’s wise to listen. A sense that someone is trying to control, even manipulate you is like a red flag, likely trying to alert you to potential issues. Words and actions which don’t align, stories constantly changing, all trigger your intuition and picking up on dishonesty. Don’t ignore any persistent, negative, feeling about someone, even if you’re unable to put your finger on the exact reason. Pay attention to how an individual’s presence makes you feel physically and emotionally, such feelings may align with your intuition. Observe their actions, how they treat you and others, how they look to create drama in situations in order to gain some misguided quest for attention. Sometimes, it’s advisable to try and have an honest conversation with that person, expressing concerns while avoiding accusations; speak with trusted friends or family members to get their insights.
Where all friendships are concerned, definitely trust your gut but always be open to learning. It’s important to trust our intuition but never lose sight of the fact that it is not perfect. Remain open to challenge those gut feelings, give people a chance while always being mindful of your boundaries.
“Friends, foes; the pretense” hints at the complex and often deceptive nature of relationships. It suggests that appearances can be deceiving, and those we perceive as close friends, even just acquaintances, might harbor ill intentions with a hidden agenda.
From the Writer’s Workshop: What is more important to you, having a bunch of friends or having a couple of very close friends? Explain. How well do you trust your gut feelings?