The gone me.

I miss…being me. 

Somehow, in the past two years, while dealing with the virus pandemic and its continuing aftermath, I’ve lost my edge, whatever that was. 

Who hasn’t? 

Okay, okay, not everyone feels like me but, I’ll bet that if you dig down, deep inside, not everything about the image looking back at you in the mirror is the same. Yes, we’re all older, not necessarily wiser, but damn road-weary of the tumultuous ride life’s taken us on since 2020. 

As much as I enjoy getting out, either to work on my still-limited schedule or just to be part of the mostly unmasked civilization in the stores or restaurants…I’m happier to return home and jump into my pandemic loungewear. Think about it. In some ways, we’ve made it through what I call the “virus gauntlet”, even though the variants continue to threaten everyone. But, either through the vaccination process, or the benefit of any natural immunity incurred from getting Covid or one of its offsprings, we’ve become a lot more resilient and less impacted by all the previous virus hysteria of the past two years.

But just as we were all ready to pick up life’s virus-shattered pieces, along comes a political/financial type of influenza…full-blown inflation and skyrocketing gas prices which our fearless leader attributes to the Russian assault on Ukraine.  C’mon man!! I won’t go into some exhaustive diatribe on this issue even though my inner, sarcastic, child is throwing a tantrum in my head. That…is a rant for another day. Sadly, more and more of such days are heading our way. 

I long to get back to the me who embraced each new day and whatever it brought my way. I laughed more and enjoyed life’s simple pleasures. Maybe I took too much for granted, maybe I ignored mortality staring back at me in the mirror, like it does now. For all of us. 

I miss the me who didn’t give a rat’s ass about matters out of my control. I miss the me who can usually rise to most occasions and take charge. And some people in my life have chosen to be distant, for a myriad of reasons, both personal and likely political, I miss the interactions with them. The current state of our world and its issues has brought so much divisiveness between us all. We need to realize that life is just too damn short to spend time hiding in some corner of our existence on this angry planet.

From Mama Kat’s Writers Workshop…Write a blog post about something you miss.

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A different Christmas…

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This current year began with so much hope and a positive outlook that it would be better than the last.  So far, 2021 has been like traveling on a winding road, bringing us back to the starting point rather than to a new beginning.

I think all of us share the same determination with trying to get back to anything normal.  Especially during the holidays.  Yet, we take a few steps forward and a mother-load of steps in reverse.  It’s sad, in so many ways, especially as we prepare to celebrate what should be a joyful time of year.

The dynamics of the ongoing virus war against humans, and all the protocols involved are exhausting.  Still, most of us continue to forge ahead, just trying to make it through one more month, week or day.  I’d guess that all we can do is to throw caution into the wind as we attempt to plan family gatherings, shop until we drop and try to enjoy the Christmas season.

My home will be missing family and the usual holiday chaos.  The decorations are up, the tree is a magnificent presence, taking up almost half of our living room…but that’s it.  My usual holiday frenzied behavior is nowhere to be found.  At least for this year.  In the middle of it all, I’m feeling and sounding much like Scarlett O’Hara, fists firmly clenched and determined that tomorrow is another day and next Christmas will be different.

It damn well better be, as God is my witness!

 

workshop-button-1From Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop…Write about how you plan to spend your holidays this year.

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Juggling life…

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“There are two basic motivating forces, fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
― John Lennon

 

For most of us, our innate emotional response to danger, and threatening situations is…fear; a different response than with our everyday concerns.

There are times when silence evokes a fearful inner response and I’ll turn up the stereo, turn on the television, text a friend, just to fill in that overly quiet void.  I will talk to someone in an attempt to fill in that silence but maybe I’m just reluctant to see something and try to avoid these feelings by any available distraction.

Stress…another matter, difficult to pinpoint but, boy, do we know it when we feel it!  I often find myself backed into a corner, pushed beyond all reasonable limits when it comes to coping with any rough situation.  And, yes, I am, very threatened and doubt my ability to deal with a given matter successfully.  I think we all are, at some point.  What happens then is exhaustion and that awful feeling of burnout; the end result becomes a mixture of negative motions mixed with a big dose of cynicism.  For me, at times, and for others, this helps to get through a problem but the down side is with the impact that this chronic stress can have on our health. 

These past months have brought an unwelcome mixture of both fear and stress to everyone just trying to survive the pandemic.  Lost jobs or employment, like mine, which has been scaled down to an almost non-survivable level.  Each day begins with hope that some normalcy will return, each day ends with having that optimism squashed by some news report.  My personal fear is focused on just how long I can be a passenger on this train of uncertainty.

I’d love to have the chutzpah like Rizzo, in “Grease”, when she climbed out the window and said “I’m gonna get my kicks while I’m still young enough to get em!” but, that’s not realistic for me, at this point in my life.  At least the climbing out the window part.    I like working, running in six different directions, juggling schedules and just feeling damn productive in my life.  What I’d like most is to not give a rat’s ass about everything that continues to control life, especially mine, at present and enjoy what’s left of my ride around the sun.

 

workshop-button-1From Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop:

               Write a post inspired by the word: stress and…Write about something you are afraid of.

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